Everybody Loves a Comeback
amanda oler
Today marks two years since I sent my last newsletter. My 2020 Valentine’s Day Post (below) was centered around self care and embracing Single Life. Little did I know, the universe had different plans––a global pandemic that would soon change life as we knew it.
Frankly, I am so sick of pandemic talk. However, it feels relevant and important to share my reaction to lockdown and where my fear lead me.
As mentioned in my last blog post, I had gotten to a place where I was healing what I came to understand as love addiction and codependency. I was learning to practice self love and seeking connection through community. Elaia was doing really well, my kids were thriving, and I felt deeply connected to both my yoga and sober communities.
Fast forward a month, shelter in place hit, and the world shut down. We all did our best to connect online. I hung in there for about a month, then slowly I started to struggle with connecting virtually. I began to seek out love and fulfillment beyond myself. I was about 17 months sober, so drinking and drugs were out of the question. I convinced myself I was “healed” from co-dependency and was a changed woman so why not try online dating? Therein lies the first problem. Intuitively, I have always known online dating does not resonate with me. While many people were panic-buying toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and dried goods, I started panic dating. It. Was. On.
Similar to the swirling buzz I used to get from that first glass of wine, I was happily floating in a romantic haze with each bee that piled up in my Bumble cache. It was just the dopamine hit I needed. I did meet some genuinely interesting, handsome and kind men. Then enter my Not-So-Prince-Charming. For the sake of privacy I will change his name. Let's go BIG and dramatic, sprinkle it with a bit of humor and Greek mythical lore and call him...Hmmmm…. Narcissus! Yes, so fitting.
Narcissus was too good to be true (literally) but dammit, I worked hard to change myself, and I deserved him and the universe was rewarding me. Irish accent (or was it?) tall, dark and handsome, huge green eyes, loving father, sober artist, a pillar in the community, and a reformed bad boy with a heart of gold.
The love bombing started immediately. The insecure attachment deepened. The fantasy on fire. My addiction at its height.
We have all had those butterflies when we think we are falling in love. What I have come to learn recently is that sometimes those butterflies are your body's nervous system in response to something/someone that may not actually be good for you. I have been told that the right person should feel calming to your nervous system. That when you're apart you should feel secure. Not lost and empty. I believe, in my case, it was gut instinct. My body was telling me "NO" and my addiction was screaming "YES".
There's no need to go into detail of the year and a half of emotional and psychological abuse I endured with Narcissus. The gaslighting since day one. Him going missing for weeks or hours…not answering calls or texts. Then blaming me. Getting caught in lie after lie. Oh! And suddenly that sexy Irish accent was gone? Every woman in his past was painted as a monster and abusive. Narcissus had two young kids that lived with us part time when they would fly to California. He would take them to be with one of his other girlfriends and tell them to lie to me. Narcissus would fake emails, documents, phone calls. Narcissus is a con artist and an emotional terrorist. He is a master manipulator...and charming AF.
Anywho, you catch my drift. Narcissus is a textbook narcissist. Apparently it’s all the rage, there’s even a Netflix show called "Tinder Swindler" streaming now. Grab your popcorn and nestle up kids!
While I am trying to make jokes for entertainment purposes, and not reliving a nightmare, what is very real is that not all abusers are physical. Myself, along with the dozens upon dozens that came before (and during) me, have been deeply traumatized and victimized by this man's sickness.
Luckily for me, God stepped in, and on September 2nd 2021 Narcissus was arrested for violation of probation. Sadly, what I would later learn is that he was bailed out by his other girlfriend. There were several. After Narcissus’s arrest, women were coming to me out of the woodwork. Former girlfriends and family confirmed my suspicions and so much more. Narcissus had made a life long career of abusing and conning women.
Here’s the pot of gold at the end of the twisted and pallid rainbow. Once the shock of the truth wore off, all I wanted was to heal. I was sad, scared, and traumatized. I dove head first back into therapy and 12-step programs. I tried reiki and breathwork. I cleansed my home with frankincense to ward off his evil energy. I cut cords and cast protection spells. I burned his letters, I threw away his gifts. I started taking Alexis Smart flower remedies for healing emotional trauma. I indulged in all of the self care I could manage. Hot baths, silly shows, herbal tinctures and Theory of Care’s Saffron Tea. I was struggling with insomnia and I found House of Wise’s CBD Gummies for sleep and stress to be incredibly helpful.
Something so worth remembering is that early on in my relationship with Narcissus I knew intuitively that something was off. I was talking to my therapist and she said, “I trust you, I want you to trust you too. You have to want the truth more than you want the relationship.” Mic drop, Slayer! (Slayer is how you lovingly refer to your therapist who helps you battle your demons.) While I wasn’t able to hear that golden nugget of advice at the time, I later remembered it. Now I know I did not choose the truth. I chose a relationship over myself. I chose fiction over reality. The veil has been lifted.
I now see how the universe really did gift me by bringing Narcissus into my life...even if not for what I had wanted nor planned for. The universe brought him to challenge me. To wake me up, and to crack me open to the truth that I am enough. The universe lead me to Narcissus to show me how to tap into my intuition and strength. I now know that every twinge, ache, suspicion and fear was never paranoia––it was my body saying RUN. I learned I will never give my power away like that again.
I believe the universe was saying, "Here child. Here is this challenge. Take it, learn from it, and be set free."
I am a child of god, and I am free, I am love.
And so it is, so mote it be!
“And just as the Phoenix rose from the ashes, she too will rise. Returning from the flames, clothed in nothing but her strength, more beautiful than ever before.”
I put together a playlist in honor of love and hope. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1xlC1KF6DTzbewvJTL9det?si=993ad13b68654064
Peace and Love,
Mandie + Apollo
